Lifelong habits

Habits built over a lifetime are difficult to change. 

They tend to "rage against the dying of the light". 

Bad habits beg and plead to stay. 

They gnaw at you, like a beaver building a dam or termites munching on a house.

This morning I was in Wawa, a local convenience store chain, trying to make choices for breakfast that weren't driven by cravings or desire.

That's what it seems to come down to, making good choices.

I chose a Chef Salad, a couple oranges, a couple bananas.

I noted all the things I would have grabbed as well.

Tastykake pies and cakes, bags of potato chips, candy bars of various kinds.

It occurred to me, in the past, when I would try to change what I eat; I would mourn the loss of these foods.

I would become greatly depressed at the inability to consume these foods on a regular basis.

I would jokingly say, "It's a drug, I'm addicted" when the longing became too much to bear.

I would happily jump back into the land of sugar and fat. 

It's no longer an option.


 

Opening

I'M HERE....just sayin'

At the time of this writing, I'm 43 and morbidly obese. 

Also known as FAT.

I've been overweight for about 36 years now. I don't know anything else.

Recently, while getting ready for work, 
my piss bucket tipped over, and spilled out all over my carpet.

That would be approximately a gallon of my urine. The carpet was soaked through

Suffice it to say, my roommates were not pleased.

Now, you, humble reader, might be asking yourself,
why does this guy have a bucket of piss in his bedroom?


The simple, short, to the point explanation is laziness.

Pain, weakness, mental instability and laziness 

The next morning, a similar less dramatic incident occurred.

It was at that point that I recognized the ground floor.

DING!

That satisfying, definite, certain ding that you hear on an elevator, 

that notifies you that your floor has been reached.

I recognized the deeply buried in the bedrock, bottom.

There is no further to fall.

When those elevator doors opened,
I stepped out and all I can see is the 36 year rut I have excavated for myself.

I have avoided adult responsibility like the plague.

I have remained painfully child-like.

Incompletely launched

Afraid

I see the wreckage of a wasted life.

I see that it's time to grow up.

I hope that this chronicle will help me to crawl, claw, climb my way to the person I am meant to be.

Maybe someone will be inspired by it.

I will be sharing my life.

Memories

My history

Trying to unravel what has brought me to this day.

I will share the moments of the journey I am now undertaking.

It begins with changing what I eat........