Dead set on destruction

Is this all that I am?

Is this all that I ever can be?
 

I've tried therapy, quite a few times.
I'm currently taking two prescriptions to help treat my depression/mood disorder.
I have a lot of anger, but, I'm too exhausted now to rage and shout

Curmudgeon, cynic, pessimist
I have no "greater than I" to take my pain away.

So, what's left?

The wagon collapsed from under me.
The rabbit hole pulled with the gravity of a singularity.
And I fell in, hard and completely.

I hesitate to even bother mentioning this, let alone posting it publicly.
I've admitted worse, aired dirtier laundry.

For many weeks now, I've tried to tell myself that I wasn't letting my depression win again.
That my thoughts weren’t getting dark again.

Yet, I am and they are.

What finally helps the troubled mind to heal?

Coming along

I can feel my body changing again.

Small changes

Barely noticeable
Only noticed by me

I'm moving around better.
This also means I'm moving around more.

The walk to and from the men’s room that included

Stops on the way there and back,

Stops that have gradually decreased,

To a couple stops on the way back,

Walking all the way back to my desk

No longer trying to figure out a way of accomplishing simple tasks,

From the comfort of my bed

Finding joy in moments of air guitar,

Running up and down the aisles at work

Jamming out, as my co-workers look on

 Wondering why it took me so long to realize what I had to do

Realizing the inevitable

Adulthood

An epiphany of sorts

I was chatting with my significant other the other day. 

She's been really down of late.

She's been having a difficult time finding a job

It's causing her to be down on herself.

It's affecting her self-worth.

She keeps calling herself a loser.

I keep telling her she's not a loser, that's she just feels lost.

I try to tell her we can find her, if she wants to be found.

I asked her to stop calling herself a loser.

In that moment,

I had a realization, a sort of epiphany.

In the last few weeks, 

After reaching rock bottom and deciding to grow up,

Be an adult, responsible for myself,

I haven't felt like a loser.

The constant tapes that played in my head,

Have either stopped or I can't hear them anymore.

In that moment, I realized something profound had happened.

I think I've gained a positive idea of self worth.

After years of hating myself,

I'm starting to tolerate,

Dare say, I like

Jim

A memory of Jamaica

When I was 7, my father and I took a trip to Jamaica. 
We were there to visit my cousins, Aunt and Uncle.

It was beautiful.
Even at 7, I could recognize how beautiful it was.
I didn't want to leave.

Just about every day, my father and I would go down to the beach, Doctor's Cave in Montego Bay.

White sand, electric blue water.

Beautiful

There was a refreshment stand there.
They sold ice creams and lemonade and other things.
I can still taste the tartness of that lemonade. 

One day, I went up to the refreshment stand and asked for ice cream or lemonade.
 Not sure, really what it was anymore now.
Anyhow,
I asked the girl behind the counter for the treat in question.

And

She said, No

I started to cry my little 7-year old eyes out.
Wailing, bawling.
LOUDLY
At that point,
I really didn’t care what kind of scene I was making.

I started crying and turned around and started to walk back down the beach.

Into the Caribbean, crying the entire way.

Afterward, my father collected me out of the water.

The girl apologized to me and said she was just joking

This incident haunts me to this day.
I think about it often.

It has taken on more relevance than ever before lately.